At some point in my sessions with my psychologist the entries in my weekly journal dwindled down to a trickle, then stopped. My doctor had me write other things after that, assignments. What-do-I-see-myself-doing-in-five-years kind of assignments. Say-nice-things-about-myself kinds of things. I’d hand those into her, too. But I didn’t think you wanted to see them…
So that’s about it, that’s all I got. Just 100,000 or 200,000 words free-associated into my laptop as fast as my two index fingers could type them. Recent history. History from long ago. Stories about and from my heart. Stories that defined me from childhood on, made me who I turned out to be. The person it took my psychologist five years to unravel. Five years and counting.
I think she knew what she was doing, my doctor. Getting all those thoughts and feelings out on the page (or screen) cleared them out of my head. But the other thing Dr. Sneaky accomplished was tricking me into writing the rough draft, basically, to two or three books. I’m almost finished writing the first one. It’s good. I can say that now. These past years of therapy have allowed me to like what I create--- and to like myself for creating it.
I started a blog, called Open Heart, as an extension of my therapy. Everyone has a blog, I know. That’s part of the reason it took me so long to start one. There are already a jillion people blabbering away on the web, I didn’t think I had anything different or better to say. But therapy showed me that I do. I have a unique voice and style and I craft six or seven hundred words a week, every week. And when I go back and re-read an old post, I don’t burst into tears like I would’ve ten years ago. I nod my head quietly to myself, thinking, yeah, that’s pretty good stuff.
So thanks for sticking with me through all this stuff, if you’re one of those people who read through the whole thing. Whew! If you weren’t, you can start at the beginning or jump around through the monthly entries… Or, hey, just check out my blog (www.chicagonow.com/open-heart) if you’ve got a minute. Hopefully, you find something helpful in all this or at least something entertaining. I know I feel better already.